With apologies to Clement Moore, here is a slightly different version for your Christmas Eve 2021. I can’t claim credit for this version, I heard it elsewhere.
A Politically Correct Christmas
(a light hearted re-working of a classic poem)
‘twas the night before Christmas and Santa was a wreck
How to live in a world that’s politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to ‘Elves’
Now ‘Vertically Challenged’ they were calling themselves.
And working conditions up at the North Pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not just use reindeer
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid
Were replaced with four pigs and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from the sleigh
The ruts were deemed dangerous by the E.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof tops
Second hand pipe smoke had Santa’s workers quite frightened
His fur-trimmed red suit was called ‘Unenlightened’.
And to show you the strangeness of life’s ebbs and flows
Rudolph was suing over unauthorised use of his nose!
And had hired a lawyer to seek litigation
Demanding millions in overdue compensation
So, half Santa’s reindeer had gone
And his wife, who suddenly said she’d had enough of this life
Joined a self-help group, packed and left in a whiz
Demanding from now on that her title was ‘Ms’
And as for the gifts, why he’d ne’er had a notion
That making a choice could cause such commotion
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur
Which meant nothing for him and nothing for her
Nothing that might be construed to pollute
Nothing to aim, nothing to shoot
Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise
Nothing for just girls or just for the boys
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific
Nothing that’s war like or non-pacifistic
No candy or sweets, they were bad for the tooth
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden
Were like Barbie and Ken, better off hidden
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological
No baseball, no football, someone could get hurt
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt
Dolls were said to be sexist and should be passe
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away
So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed
He just could not figure out what to do next
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay
But you’ve got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering left or right
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision
Each group of people, every religion
Every ethnicity, every hue
Everyone, everywhere, even you
So here is that gift, it’s price beyond worth
May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth.
However (or whether) you choose to celebrate, stay safe and healthy.