Southport U3A

’twas The Night Before Christmas

Southport u3a Father Christmas

With apologies to Clement Moore, here is a slightly different version for your Christmas Eve 2021. I can’t claim credit for this version, I heard it elsewhere.

A Politically Correct Christmas

(a light hearted re-working of a classic poem)

‘twas the night before Christmas and Santa was a wreck

How to live in a world that’s politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to ‘Elves’

Now ‘Vertically Challenged’ they were calling themselves.

And working conditions up at the North Pole

Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety

Released to the wilds by the Humane Society

And equal employment had made it quite clear

That Santa had better not just use reindeer

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid

Were replaced with four pigs and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from the sleigh

The ruts were deemed dangerous by the E.A.

And people had started to call for the cops

When they heard sled noises on their roof tops

Second hand pipe smoke had Santa’s workers quite frightened

His fur-trimmed red suit was called ‘Unenlightened’.

And to show you the strangeness of life’s ebbs and flows

Rudolph was suing over unauthorised use of his nose!

And had hired a lawyer to seek litigation

Demanding millions in overdue compensation

So, half Santa’s reindeer had gone

And his wife, who suddenly said she’d had enough of this life

Joined a self-help group, packed and left in a whiz

Demanding from now on that her title was ‘Ms’

And as for the gifts, why he’d ne’er had a notion

That making a choice could cause such commotion

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur

Which meant nothing for him and nothing for her

Nothing that might be construed to pollute

Nothing to aim, nothing to shoot

Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise

Nothing for just girls or just for the boys

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific

Nothing that’s war like or non-pacifistic

No candy or sweets, they were bad for the tooth

Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden

Were like Barbie and Ken, better off hidden

For they raised the hackles of those psychological

Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological

No baseball, no football, someone could get hurt

Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt

Dolls were said to be sexist and should be passe

And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away

So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed

He just could not figure out what to do next

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay

But you’ve got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground

Nothing fully acceptable was to be found

Something special was needed, a gift that he might

Give to all without angering left or right

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision

Each group of people, every religion

Every ethnicity, every hue

Everyone, everywhere, even you

So here is that gift, it’s price beyond worth

May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth.

However (or whether) you choose to celebrate, stay safe and healthy.

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